THE DOCTOR VISIT
Went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basics.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"135," I say. The nurse puts me on the scale.
It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 4," I say.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5' 2".
She then took my blood pressure and told me it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" I scream. "When I came in here I was
tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
She put me on Prozac. What a bitch.
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SHOPPING
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car
has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the
dispatcher:
'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even
'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even
the accelerator!' she cried.
The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm.. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes
The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm.. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes
later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard,' he says. 'She got in the back-seat by
mistake.'
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FAMILY
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FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96
year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other
sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94 year old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up
The 94 year old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up
the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?'
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on
wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's
at the door.'
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I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one
fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'
'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'
And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
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ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was
falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and
wanted to talk.
She said: 'You used to hold my hand when we were courting.'
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get
back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: 'Then you used to kiss me.'
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek
and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: 'Then you used to bite my!
neck.'
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
'Where are you going?' she asked.
'To get my teeth!'
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DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the
retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and
announces, 'Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can
have sex with me tonight!!'
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, 'An elephant?'
Bessie thinks a minute and says, 'Close enough.'
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OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many
decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of
activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been
limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one Looked at
the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've
been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name!
I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell
me what your name is.'
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just
stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
_____________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car
phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently
warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a
car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'
'Hell,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of 'em!'
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DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car; both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along,
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I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one
fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'
'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'
And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
______________________________
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was
falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and
wanted to talk.
She said: 'You used to hold my hand when we were courting.'
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get
back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: 'Then you used to kiss me.'
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek
and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: 'Then you used to bite my!
neck.'
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
'Where are you going?' she asked.
'To get my teeth!'
______________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the
retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and
announces, 'Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can
have sex with me tonight!!'
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, 'An elephant?'
Bessie thinks a minute and says, 'Close enough.'
______________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many
decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of
activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been
limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one Looked at
the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've
been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name!
I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell
me what your name is.'
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just
stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
______________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car
phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently
warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a
car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'
'Hell,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of 'em!'
______________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car; both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along,
they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they
just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself
'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through
a red light.'
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection
and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger
just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself
'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through
a red light.'
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection
and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger
Seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really
concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At
the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went
on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know
concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At
the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went
on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know
that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have
killed us both!'Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh! Am I driving?'
Please !!!!
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME !!!!
